


Stray Cat Blues

by Ursula



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-04-26
Updated: 2003-04-26
Packaged: 2018-11-20 09:22:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11332902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ursula/pseuds/Ursula
Summary: Stories in Series: Stray Rat Rules, How to Give a Pill to a Sick Rat, Walter Skinner Ties One On





	Stray Cat Blues

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

Stray Cat Blues

### Stray Cat Blues

#### by Ursula

  


Stray Cat Blues 

M/SK/K 

Story Three or Four if you count "Stray Cat Rules" as a story. 

Neither the X Files nor the board game 'Clue' belong to me. 

"Oh yeah, you're a strange stray cat  
Oh yeah, don'tcha scratch like that  
Oh yeah, you're a strange stray cat  
bet your mama don't know you scream like that I bet your mother don't know that you spit like that" 

Rolling Stones 

The Story: 

Smirking, Alex easily overcame the newest security alarms on his lover's doors and stepped into the big bedroom. Neither Walter nor Fox were inside. Pausing to take a deep reassuring breath, Alex caught a musky tang. 

Phew, someone had been in here who was VERY male and who hadn't bathed recently. He could smell the musk over the familiar and beloved scents of his Walter and his Mulder. When he looked at the pillows, Alex saw some coarse hairs. 

Just because a guy gets a bit of wanderlust was no reason to bring in some big stinky bear! 

Angry at the intrusion, Alex didn't announce himself. He opened the door and walked out into the hall. Creeping silently, he heard his lover's voices coming from the room that they used as an office. 

Walter said, "I heard that if you neuter them, they stop wandering. If he's ours, I'd like him to stay home. He can't have the freedom of being a stray and still come and go as he pleases." 

Hmm, the good news was that the stinky stranger had not taken Alex's place in his lover's hearts even if he had briefly occupied his place in their bed. The bad news was terrible. Alex's feelings were hurt. Walter had always paid sweet, loving attention to Alex's balls. He couldn't believe that Walter wanted them removed. Sure, a small guilty part of Alex's brain told him that he should grow out of his wandering ways. However, Alex found that he had a lot of fortitude when it came to resisting his conscience. Emasculation was a bit drastic as a consequence, however. 

"I don't know," Mulder mused. "I rather like the green eyed ghost the way he is. He's independent, tough, and he always comes back." 

"I've heard they're better pets when you neuter them," Walter remarked. "They are much more affectionate." 

The nerve of the bald bastard! If Alex was much more affectionate when he was with Walter, the man would have to have a skin transplant to replace that which Alex clawed off in a frenzy of lust. Alex begrudged every moment he spent polishing Walter's tonsils and straddling his lap. Some people were too hard to satisfy. 

"I would like it if he was around more," Mulder said, wistfully. "But do we have a right to just change his life that drastically?" 

"Scully told me is the best way," Walter said. "I know. It made me a bit uncomfortable too, but it's better than the alternative. You know there are people who would just trap him and send him off to be killed." 

First of all, Alex was royally pissed. Of course, it was Scully! She was just jealous. She thought that she had Mulder and Walter wrapped around her little finger then Alex had them. She shouldn't have kept those cute little legs closed so tightly. Alex had more luck keeping his open and easy. 

Secondly, at least, Walter still cared. However misguided Walter was, he was thinking of Alex's safety. Alex just had to persuade Walter that he could take care of whoever it was that wanted to trap and kill him. 

As Alex thought about opening the office door to announce he was home, Walter started talking again. "Besides it will take care of some of the odor. You have to admit that he smells. Maybe it will take care of the love nips too. The last time he was here and he bit your neck, you had to get antibiotics." 

"Yeah, that's true. Who knows where that mouth had been?" Mulder said. 

Alex was so furious that he took a leak on Mulder and Walter's bed. 

Ha, let them cope with that stink! 

OooOooO 

Head aching, body worse, Alex woke up in a cheap hotel room. There was a good-looking man cowering in the corner. The guy had Mulder's nose and hazel eyes, but more like Walter's physique. 

Alex went over last night's events in his head. There was a gay bar...a gloomy gay bar with wilted plant life and Twinkies well past their shelf life. 

On his third shot of vodka, Alex hadn't had the heart to give the man, who sidled up to him, one of his green eyed assassin looks...the ones that Mulder called 'drop dead sexy' or maybe just 'deadly'. 

The guy wouldn't have had a Clue if he stacked the deck and cheated all the other players when they had their backs turned. He wouldn't have fingered the killer or even guessed a name that was in the game. 

Alex would have removed the hand that rested on his knee and was moving slowly up his thigh if he hadn't been so drunk. He would have removed it at the shoulder and rammed the severed limb up the guy's ass. 

There's your fisting for you. 

OooOooO 

Alex vaguely remembered hearing, "I'll get a nice place, love, where you can sleep when we're done." 

That had sounded good. Alex let the guy, who was named Ass or Cass or Glass...one of those or perhaps all of them, buy him another drink and call a cab. 

The man said, "A nice place where you can sleep when we're done." 

It wasn't Alex's fault that he decided he was done the moment he walked in the door. 

Thinking about Walter and Mulder made Alex feel bitchy. He had said, "Why don't you get undressed and show me what you have?" 

Perhaps if it had impressed Alex, he might have let the man go free. As it was, Alex bellowed with laugher and said, "Listen, I have it right from the Brit. It is really not good manners to stick your little finger out when you're having tea. And I do mean little finger!" 

Alex remembered taunting the guy until he lost it and tried to attack. He hadn't done much more than toy with him before ordering him to the corner and telling him to spend the night there. The man only tried to leave once and Alex had made it across the room to pin him to the wall in less time than it had taken the would-be lover start sobbing in fear. 

Sitting up in bed, Alex said, "You can leave now." 

Out the door so fast, that his butt was like a white tornado vanishing in the distance, the man hadn't even bother to dress. He lost one shoe in the hall. Alex stood contemplating it before throwing it down the hall. Some Cinderella. 

After an excessively long shower and repeated sniffing of his pits to see if he was somehow emitting a foul odor of which he had not been aware, Alex dressed in clean clothing and decided that he would have one last fuck with Walter and Mulder before he left them forever. 

OooOooO 

There was a new bed in the bedroom and Alex's lovers were already in it. Alex undressed silently but both men were wide-awake and watching by the time Alex had removed his shirt. 

"Alex, your arm!" Walter remarked. 

"Yes, I found someone who knew how to fix it," Alex said, carelessly. "Why do you think I kept prowling around the world? I knew some of the healers were still around." 

"I thought you were just bored," Mulder said, "You said that you didn't like being a junior agent again, and if Scully asked for one more non fat decaff latte, you were going to give her an enema with it." 

"So I made a little joke," Alex said. Although it had been hard to settle down and be a pet rat after living la vida loca for all those years... 

"You know we loved you anyway," Mulder said. 

"Sure," Alex said, crawling across Walter's legs to get into the middle. 

Walter swept away the covers to let his gaze devour Alex. "What a feast!" he said. "Hard to know where to start." 

"Lips," Mulder said, his mouth sealing to Alex's. "Je vous amour. Je vous amour." 

Alex just loved it when Mulder spoke French. 

A fervent tongue probed Alex's belly button before swooping downward, following the sparse trail of hair that sprinkled Alex's lower belly to his pubis. A big hand grasped Alex's cock and Walter's lips played him like a flute. As Walter's mouth slipped lower, Alex moved away from Mulder long enough to remark, "Hey, get away from my balls." 

Walter looked up at him and said, "But Alex, you love having your balls sucked and I've been practicing with plums. I think I can get both of them in my mouth." 

Alex could only think about time when Doggett and Walter had taken him to lunch in an obscure Western town. The two macho men had enjoyed a feast of Rocky Mountain Oysters. Walter's enjoyment of the treat replayed horrifically in Alex's head. With a yowl, he leapt out of bed, kicking Walter in the jaw and sending Mulder whooshing to the floor to land on his splendid assets. 

"Fuck! Not only do you want to emasculate me, you're too cheap to pay a real doctor to do it. You were going to bite them off and eat them," Alex screamed, diving across the room to where he left his clothing. 

Moments later, Alex was breathing hard for all the wrong reasons. He was wearing a straitjacket that had turned out up in Mulder's closet when he had moved with Walter into this little honeymoon cottage. The three of them had kept it for reasons best left unsaid. 

Struggle as he might, there was no way that Alex could get free. He yelled. He cursed in seven modern languages and three that would not be invented for another four hundred years. 

Alex looked at Mulder and said, "You at least...have some mercy, Mulder. I'd rather be dead than an eunuch." 

The two men looked at each other until Mulder asked, "Alex, have you finally gone one hundred percent mad? What the hell are you talking about?" 

"I heard you," Alex said. "I was here last night and when I went to tell you that I was home, you and Walter were talking about cutting off my balls so I won't roam around anymore. And you both said that I stink. I DO NOT stink!" 

For emphasis, Alex struggled to free himself from the straitjacket, succeeding only in making himself red of face and out of breath. 

The bastards were back to staring at each other in apparent bewilderment. Then Mulder said, "Damn, I know, we were talking about Alonzo." 

Walter peered at Alex and said, "It serves you right for skulking about." 

"I should be mutilated just because I wanted to surprise you?" Alex replied. He blinked back tears of frustration and fury. 

"No, it serves you right to listen in on a conversation and take it out of context," Walter said, shoving back the glasses he had replaced on his face after the scuffle. 

"Yeah?" Alex retorted childishly. "Well, you don't have to worry about me anymore. Let me loose and I'm gone." 

"No," Walter said. "Don't be stupid. We're not letting you go. We love you." 

"We adore you," Mulder said. "The person we were discussing was Alonzo." 

"And who is Alonzo when he is at home?" Alex snarled, thinking it must be the other guy, the one with the B.O. problem who shed black hairs on his lover's pillows. 

"Why don't we show you?" Mulder remarked. "We have him confined here." 

"You guys have gone around the bend, not me," Alex said. "You can't keep someone locked up. I mean, I may kill the guy for trying to take my place, but that doesn't make it right to lock him up and threaten his balls." 

"I could understand why there might be some natural antipathy," said Mulder, hiding a grin. 

God, Alex hated it when Mulder was like that. He always looked so smug when he had something over on Alex. 

"I think you should get Alonzo," Mulder said to Walter. 

"Why me?" Walter said. "He may have clawed a hole in that crate by now. The way he was yowling and spitting; I wondered if we needed an exorcist." 

Had his lovers found someone wilder than Alex? This guy sounded like a real animal. 

Walter left. Alex spent the time looking seductively at Mulder and whispering, "Just let me free, Mulder. You know you want one of my blowjobs. I can make it so damn good." 

"Of course, you can," Mulder said, kneeling down and loosening some of the laces. "But you don't have to be out of this thing to do that. I always had this fantasy that you would creep in on me when I was tied up in the jacket and ravish me. Might be fun in the reverse too." 

Shit, it did sound like fun. Alex tried to think cold thoughts, but he was incredibly horny. Being tied up helplessly in Walter and Mulder's custody did that to him. 

Before Alex could think of something to say to provoke Mulder into action, Walter returned, carrying a large plastic box of some sort. A continuous growling and spluttering uproar came from the interior. 

"What the hell?" Alex said. 

"Alonzo," Mulder said, with an interesting combination of admiration and fear he had formerly reserved for Alex. He propped Alex up so he could look into the cage once Walter had set it down. 

The cage held a large tomcat. It was a handsome creature with a broad face, mean green eyes the very color of Alex's, and very long white whiskers. Seeing Alex, the creature hissed defiantly. 

"It's a cat," Alex said. 

"Oh, he still has the most wonderful powers of observation," Mulder observed. 

Walter merely leaned back against the wall, arms folded and chest puffed to display his nude body to best advantage. 

"What the hell are you doing with a cat? Get nostalgic over pussy?" Alex sniped. 

"This boy wants his butt spanked," Walter remarked. 

"No, I don't," Alex said. After a moment of thought, he added, "Maybe later." 

"The cat showed up on the doorstep. When I opened the door, he marched in as if he owned the place. I thought he might have lived here before we bought the house," Mulder explained. 

"I thought we should have a pet," Walter said, " Although I was thinking about a Russian Wolfhound." 

"He was hungry and started to come around for handouts," Mulder said. "It was cold and we let him spend the night. At first, he had perfect manners, but then he started to show his stuff. Still, he's a great cat, but he keeps wandering and fighting. Now that the neighbors know he's living with us, they keep telling us that we have to keep him in our yard. He's beaten up half the cats in the neighborhood. He sprays their steps and scratches their trees." 

"I couldn't believe he pissed in our bed the other day," Walter said. "We had to get a new mattress." 

Maybe Alex should let the tomcat off the hook... 

No, if the cat wanted to be cleared, he better get a lawyer. Alex kept silent. 

"Anyway, it was the cat we were talking about. You should have asked, Alex," Walter said. He stretched and then carried the cat back to wherever they had him confined. 

When Walter returned, he lifted Alex, straitjacket and all, into bed. 

"Aren't you going to let me loose?'" Alex asked. 

"Maybe later," Mulder said, mouth posed over Alex's helpless exposed groin. 

"Much later," Walter said. "I like you all tied up." 

Alex didn't argue. Hell, who would? Not with Mulder swallowing him to his roots and Walter's big, brutal mouth ravishing his lips. 

Shortly afterwards, Alex sprawled on his back, legs over Walter's shoulders as the man prepared him. 

Erection weeping, Walter waited as Alex tried to keep from begging him for more than the fingers that teased him open. 

Meanwhile, Mulder wandered out and came back with a stick of butter. 

Kinky, yes, but butter on Alex's hands and feet? 

His voice a throaty growl, Alex asked, "Now what the hell is this?" 

"Old wives' tale," Mulder said. "To keep your cat home, butter his paws. I thought I would see if it also worked with rats." 

As Walter slowly pushed into him, Alex thought it just might. Staying home sounded like a good thing. He knew which side his feet were buttered on. 

The End   
  

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